


The Girls Tell Me things

by signorbenedick



Category: If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio
Genre: (lots of sex mentions), (number one meredick and hyvass shipper wren sterling), Drinking, Gen, I just called it that cause it's the line that inspired this fic, I'd say this fic follows canon in terms of things that happen, alexander and Meredith's combined chaotic horny energy is off the charts, but certainly not tone, filippa is so done with everything, sex mention, title might make it sound like it's from alex's pov but it's not, wren is a hopeless romantic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-09-06 11:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16831789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signorbenedick/pseuds/signorbenedick
Summary: “That’s a bullshit answer and you know it, Meredith,” said Alexander, “It’s about who you would fuck not who you’re already fucking.”“I asked who you thought was the cutest, I didn’t say anything about,”  Wren hesitated “fucking.”  Hearing Wren whisper ‘fucking’ in her adorable british accent felt so out of place that Filippa couldn’t help but chuckle.-Pretty much just a bunch of oneshots of Alexander, Filippa, Meredith, and Wren gossiping about shit.





	1. When did Oliver Get Hot?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this reads too much like a play (I read and write a lot of plays).

Wren sat on a cushion on the floor, Alexander braiding her hair. One of his foster sisters had taught him how to, and somehow he was better than all of the girls at it. It was their weekly tradition to get together just the four of them. After a long week of rehearsals, combat training, and the weird new acting technique Gwendolyn was trying to force on them, it was nice to unwind.  
The night started, as many did, with Wren drunkenly giggling. “Of all the boys in the Caesar cast, who do you think is the cutest?”  
“My boyfriend,” replied Meredith as if it was obvious.  
Wren giggled some more,“I think it’s James...maybe just cause he’s playing my husband.”  
“That’s a bullshit answer and you know it, Meredith,” said Alexander, “It’s about who you would fuck not who you’re already fucking.”  
“I asked who you thought was the cutest, I didn’t say anything about,” Wren hesitated “fucking.” Hearing Wren whisper ‘fucking’ in her adorable british accent felt so out of place that Filippa couldn’t help but chuckle.  
“Well, the cutest is clearly Coli-pfft, what? No!” Alexander tried to quickly think of a new answer, “Oliver. The cutest boy in the Caesar cast is obviously Oliver.”  
Meredith nodded in agreement, a few not so saintly thoughts passing through her head. “Ooh, you might actually be right there.”  
Alexander: “I am? I mean, of course I am.”  
Meredith: “Okay, but like, when did Oliver get hot? Cause he definitely didn’t look like that last year. “  
Filippa: “Oh, he definitely worked out over the summer. What else are you going to do if your stuck in Ohio for two months?”  
Alexander shrugged, “Smoke a lot of weed?”  
Filippa: “When I said you I meant it generally, not like you personally.”  
Meredith: “You know what I like? He’s all muscular now but he hasn’t bothered to buy new clothes so now all of his lame old band t-shirts are really tight, it’s great.”  
Alexander: “That is great. Have you seen him shirtless?”  
Meredith: “No, have you? “  
Alexander: “Yeah, he’s like a greek god.”  
Meredith: “Ooh, okay I’m changing my answer. I’d totally fuck Oliver.”  
Wren: “You can’t say that!”  
Meredith: “Why not?”  
Wren: “Because you’re dating my cousin!”  
Meredith: “Well, you don’t like it when I talk about that either.”  
Wren: “I love hearing about that, just not the way you talk about it.”  
Alexander leaned forward to whisper in Wren’s ear, “Meredith and Richard have sex.”  
“No!” Wren screamed as she covered her ears.  
Alexander: “Hey, speaking of having sex with Richard-”  
Meredith: “Alexander, my boyfriend doesn’t want to fuck you.”  
Alexander: “Okay, but if you two ever want to spice things...you know where my dorm is.”  
Meredith: “I’ll keep that in mind.”  
Filippa: “I’m so glad I’ve never been roommates with either of you.”  
Alexander: “Oh, like you’ve never-”  
Alexander probably would have said something incredibly inappropriate had Oliver not walked in. He was shirtless, wearing only sweatpants, oblivious to how hot he looked.  
“What were you guys talking about?”  
Filippa: “The cutest boy in the Caesar cast.”  
Oliver: “So, James?”  
“Actually,” said Meredith with that signature sultry tone in her voice, “we were talking about--”  
Filippa: “--Richard. Alex and Meredith were being…”  
Oliver: “Alex and Meredith? Yeah, that explains Wren.”  
Wren was still covering her ears. Filippa tapped her on the shoulder “It’s okay, they’re done now.”  
Oliver eyed Alexander and Meredith. They both winked at him, somehow completely in sync and completely unaware that the other had done the same thing.  
Confused and uncomfortable, Oliver looked away “Have any of you seen my copy of Antony and Cleopatra? I think I left it in here.”  
Wren shook her head, “I haven’t seen it. ”  
Oliver: “Well do you mind if I look for it?”  
Filippa: “Go ahead.”  
Oliver smiled at the group then disappeared behind a bookshelf.  
Meredith undid the top button on her silk pyjama shirt and rubbed some red wine on her lips. “How do I look?”  
Wren: “You always look pretty, it’s not fair.”  
Meredith smirked, even without her usual $10 000 of make up was still an absolute bombshell.  
Filippa: “Don’t encourage her.”  
Wren: “Don’t encourage her to what?”  
Meredith started towards Oliver.  
Wren: “Oh no, I’m going to have to be the one who tells Richard about this, aren’t I?  
Alexander: “Not if I have anything to do about it.”  
Meredith nudged Oliver, “Antony and Cleopatra, huh? You know that’s my favourite.”  
Oliver: “No, I didn’t .”  
Meredith: “Maybe you could read it to me sometime. Just you and me, alone in your room.”  
Oliver: “Well, it’s James’ room too. So, I don’t know if we’d be alone. Hey, maybe he could join!”  
Meredith: “I’d rather it was just the two of us.”  
Oliver: “Are you sure? James is a really good actor.”  
Meredith touched Oliver’s bicep, “I think you’d make a better Antony.”  
Oliver: “You really think so?”  
Meredith: “Of course, I’d love to be your Cleopatra.”  
Oliver: “Oh, you would make a good Cleopatra.”  
Meredith giggled, “You’re sweet.”  
Alexander appeared beside Meredith. He gave Oliver a look that would of made half the first year boys melt but just made Oliver puzzled. “How about we swap roles, you be my Cleopatra I’ll be your Antony.”  
Oliver: “I don’t know if I could pull that off.”  
“I can help you pull it off,” Alexander winked.  
Oliver: “Do you have something in your eye?”  
Alexander: “No, but I’m hoping I’ll have something in my mouth later.”  
Alexander grinned as he saw Oliver’s soft brown cheeks flush red. He pulled Oliver closer and whispered, “You know where my dorm is.”  
Alexander gave Oliver one last once over then slinked back to his spot on the couch. Oliver watched him, confused and slightly turned on (although he would never admit the latter).  
Meredith marched over to Alexander. “Fuck off, Alex,” she whisper yelled, “he doesn’t even like guys.”  
Alexander: “Have you seen the way he looks at James? He likes guys, he just doesn’t know it yet.”  
Meredith: “I’ll give you Richard if you let me have Oliver.”  
Wren gagged.  
Alexander: “You’ll give him to me? What does that even mean? I don’t want your asshole straight boy, I’d much rather have this oblivious bi hottie.”  
Meredith: “Leave Oliver alone or I’ll show Colin all of those little lovesick doodles you make of him when he’s on stage and you’re not.”  
Alexander: “That was one time! And I burned all of them after!”  
Meredith: “Not all of them.”  
Alexander: “Do that and I’ll tell Richard you tried to fuck me.”  
Meredith: “That’s a sure fire way to get him to kick your ass.”  
Alexander: “No, it’s a surefire way of showing him you’re a tasteless slut.”  
Meredith: “He already knows that.”  
Filippa watched Alexander and Meredith bicker with a look of mild disgust. She reached for a book to distract her, only to realize when she saw the name written on the first page that it was the book Oliver had been looking for. “Oliver, I found your book.”  
“Oh, thanks, Pip. You’re the best.” He gave her a quick hug. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said to know one in particular as he left the room.  
Alexander: “He hugged you?”  
Meredith: “What does he smell like?”  
Filippa: “I don’t know, I didn’t bother to smell him.”  
Meredith: “Why not?”  
Filippa: “Because that would be weird! He is our friend and you’re treating him like he’s some kind of pornstar.”  
Meredith: “I mean, did you see those abs?”  
Filippa: “Meredith, you have a boyfriend who you love. Don’t cheat on him.”  
Meredith pouted, “Fine.”  
Filippa: “Alexander, stop telling everyone you want to sleep with them. They already know.”  
Alexander grumbled, “Fine.”  
Filippa slumped back onto the couch.  
Alexander: “Where’d Wren go? I never finished braiding her hair.”  
Filippa: “I think she left to go throw up. One of us should probably go make sure she’s okay.”  
Meredith started to pour herself another drink. Alexander started fiddling with a loose thread on his sweatshirt. Filippa sighed, “Guess I’ll go do that.” She begrudgingly left the room, leaving Meredith and Alexander alone.  
Alexander sprawled out on the couch, resting his head in Meredith’s lap. She brushed a loose curl away from his face.  
Meredith: “You have really nice cheekbones.”  
Alexander: “You have really pretty eyes.”  
Meredith: “Thank you.”  
Alexander: “You wanna makeout?”  
Meredith: “Do you think it will make Oliver jealous?”  
Alexander shrugged. “It might.”


	2. Filippa Has Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and the girls plays fuck, marry, kill. First with Shakespeare characters, then with their friends, then Alexander comes up with one that everyone refuses to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why on earth is Meredith the voice of reason in this chapter?

In the library of the castle sat Filippa, Alexander, Meredith and Wren eating cheap pizza and drinking expensive wine.

Alexander: “This is the classiest thing I’ve ever done.”

Filippa: “You know what else is classy? Fuck marry kill.”

Meredith: “That’s like the least classy game ever.”

Filippa: “Not when you play it with Shakespeare characters, which we should totally do.”

Alexander, who enjoyed any opportunity to talk about sex or murder, Meredith, who liked saying “Fuck” as often as she could, and Wren, who was just happy to be included, all agreed.

Filippa: “Fuck, marry, kill: Antony, Caesar, Brutus.”

Meredith: “I’d kill Brutus-”

Wren: “You’d kill James?!”

Meredith: “Marry Caesar-”

Wren: “Aw, we’d be family!”

Meredith: “And fuck Antony, I guess.”

Wren: “You’d do that to Alexander? You know he’s in love with Colin.”

Alexander: “I am not!” 

Filippa: “Wren, I just said we were playing with the characters, not the people playing them.”

Wren: “I know. But it’s more fun with real people! Ooh, Alexander, do it with the three of us!”

“Fuck Mer, marry Wren, kill Pip,” Alexander replied immediately, apparently already having that answer prepared.

Filippa: “Oh, thank god.”

Wren: “Aw, Alexander! I’d marry you too! Only cause you can’t legally marry Colin.”

Alexander: “I don’t want to marry Colin!”

Filippa: “Fuck marry, kill: Oliver, James, Colin.”

Alexander: “Kill Oliver, fuck James, marry Colin.”

Filippa gave Alexander a lofty look, which he ignored.

Alexander: “Oh, I got a good one! Fuck, marry, kill: Frederick, Gwendolyn, and Camilo.”

Meredith: “No! No to all of that! They’re all so old!”

Alexander: “Come on, Camilo’s only like...thirty?”

“He’s twenty nine,” Pip piped up.

“Cool,” Meredith said “I still don’t want to fuck him.” 

Alexander: “Then you have to fuck Frederick or Gwendolyn.”

Meredith: “I don’t want to fuck either of them! Do you?”

Alexander: “Oh, I totally would for a good grade.”

Meredith: “Then, why haven’t you?”

Alexander: “Cause Camilo’s not interested, Gwendolyn terrifying, and I’ve just never really seen Frederick that way.”

Meredith: “That’s fair.”

Alexander: “Now answer the question.”

Meredith: “Oh, god no.”

Alexander: “You have to finish your drink if you don’t answer.”

Meredith glanced at the very full glass of wine she had just poured, “Why is that a rule?”

“Because without it the game has no consequences!” replied Alexander. 

“Fine, it’s better than thinking about marrying one of our teachers.” Meredith downed her very full glass with surprising elegance. “Are any of them married?”

Filippa: “No. Well, Gwendolyn used to be and, Frederick’s been with his boyfriend for like thirty years or something, so they’re basically married. But, Milo’s not.”

Alexander: “But which of them would you marry?”

Filippa chugged what remained of her wine.

“Really? Are none of you going to answer this? Wren you’ve been weirdly quiet.” Alexander turned to Wren, determined to get an answer out of her. She was red in the face staring at something with wide-eyed fixation. “Why does Wren look like she’s about to explode?” He followed Wren’s gaze to Filippa who was refilling her wine glass, and glaring back at Wren. Alexander cocked an eyebrow, “Is there something you’d like to tell us, Wren?” 

Filippa scowled at Wren, silently screaming ‘don’t you dare’ but Wren was rapidly losing control and blurted out “Pip likes Camilo!” 

“I mean, yeah, he’s a pretty good teacher.” said Filippa, trying to play it cool. 

“No! She like-likes him!” Wren all-but shouted, “She wants to kiss him and marry him and have his babies!” 

On that night they witnessed something quite rare, Filippa visibly embarrassed.

Meredith stared at her in horror, “Oh my god, why? He’s like...a glorified gym teacher.”

Alexander grinned “And why would you tell that to Wren of all people? I know she looks all cute and innocent but she is a filthy little demon who will tell your secrets to the entire school.” Wren pouted. “Don’t be offended, I called you cute.”

“Yeah, the only one of you I’d ever tell a secret to is Pip.” said Meredith, only realizing the flaw in that sentence when she saw Filippa glaring at her. “Oh, I guess you can’t tell a secret to yourself, can you?”

Filippa: “Nope.” 

Alexander: “Really though, Wren is terrible with this stuff you should’ve seen her face when I was talking to Colin yesterday.”

Filippa: “What were you talking to Colin about?”

Alexander: “...Acting stuff…Don’t try and change the subject, Filippa!” 

Filippa grumbled, “I told Wren because I knew you two would just make fun of me.”

Meredith: “And you were right. What the fuck, Pip? Don’t sleep with our combat teacher.” 

Alexander: “Unless you can get him to give all of us A’s, then you should definitely sleep with our combat teacher.” 

Filippa: “I’m not going to sleep with him! I just...think he’s cool.”

Alexander: “But, you would if he was into you?”

Filippa hesitated. “Maybe.”

Meredith: “And I’m the one who gets called a slut.”

Alexander: “You are a slut.”

Meredith: “Yeah, but I wouldn’t fuck our teacher. I have class.”

Alexander chuckled and went to high five Meredith.

Meredith: “That wasn’t a pun.”

Filippa: “I’m not a slut. Name one person I’ve slept with.”

They all started to answer, but quickly realized they couldn’t confidently name one person.

Filippa: “See!”

Meredith: “Yeah, but boning your teacher is worth like 10 000 slut points.”

Filippa: “I’m not boning him!”

Alexander: “Why not?”

Wren: “Because they have a forbidden romance, it’s so tragic.”

Alexander: “And hot.”

Wren: “Alexander! They’re in love, don’t be gross.”

Filippa: “He’s not in love with me.”

Wren: “That’s the tragic thing, you both think your affections are unrequited, and because it’s so risky, you’ll never admit your feelings to anyone, and you’ll both never know the truth.”

Filippa: “What? That makes no sense. And I did admit my feelings to you.”

Alexander: “Yeah, so now we just have to figure out if he wants to bone you back.”

Meredith: “God, I hope he doesn’t.”

Alexander: “Do you want me to ask? If I do, and he does, and you get together, you legally have to name your first born after me.”

Filippa: “No!”

Alexander: “No, you don’t want me to ask or no, you’re not gonna name your baby after me? Cause the baby thing's a law, Pip.”

Filippa: “No to both of those! You cannot tell him I’m into him that would be humiliating! It’s a miracle Wren’s kept it a secret for so long!”

Meredith: “So long? Wren, how long have you known about this?”

Wren: “Since second year.”

Meredith: “You kept this a secret since second year?! 

Alexander: “I’m so proud of you!”

Wren: “Well...I might not have kept it a total secret.”

Filippa: “Who did you tell?”

Wren: “...my cat...” 

Filippa: “And?”

Wren: “...James…”

Filippa: “And?”

Wren fell silent. She looked up at Filippa with big puppy dog eyes, already trying to gain her forgiveness.

Filippa: “Wren. Who did you tell?”

Wren: “...Gwendolyn.”

Filippa: “YOU TOLD GWENDOLYN?!?”

Wren: “I couldn’t help it. She’s scary.”

Filippa: I know she’s scary! And she hates me! And apparently she knows my eighth biggest secret!”

Meredith: “You rank your secrets? And this is only number eight?”

Alexander: “What’s number five?”

Filippa: “Wren, what did Gwendolyn say when you told her?”

Wren: “I don’t remember. It was a while ago. She didn’t seem very surprised. I think she said something kinda poetic about art school never changing.”

Filippa’s anger faded and she fell stoic. “I’m never going to show emotion around any of you ever again.”

“But I like it when you have feelings!” said Wren, prodding at Filippa’s face, trying to get her to react. Filippa stayed emotionless, probably internally plotting the murder of everyone who knew this secret, but her face gave away nothing.

“Great job, Wren. You broke, Filippa.” Said Meredith.

“I’m sorry!” sobbed Wren, as she threw herself around Filippa who still refused to react.

“Broke her?” Said Alexander “This is her natural state. This is 100% undiluted Filippa Kosta.” Filippa remained expressionless. “Damnit, I thought that might make you laugh.”

Meredith: “How are you going to be an actor if you don’t show feelings?”

Filippa: “I’ll figure it out.”

Wren: “What if you get kicked out of school? Then you wouldn’t be able to see Milo anymore.”

Alexander: “Or, then she could ask him out because there wouldn't be anything weird about them dating anymore.”

Meredith: “Except, the fact that he’s almost 30, whereas you're barely even old enough to drink, and until recently he was in a position of power over you.”

Alexander: “I think that’s where she wants him to be, Mer.”

Filippa stoically gave all of them the finger.

Alexander: “I’m counting that as an emotion.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @M.L. Rio Why the fuck do Filippa and Camilo end up together?
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @signorbenedick and @incorrectiwwvquotes


End file.
